Posts Tagged ‘ therapy ’

T’was the night before therapy

…And not a Keith was sleeping.

Well, this Keith is not sleeping. It’s 3 am and of course I am wide awake. My sleep clock is utterly fucked beyond all recognition. I had it fixed for a brief period a couple of weeks back but I promptly fucked it again. I can’t seem to quiet my mind at night. The plan is to try and get to sleep around 8am when I actually get tired, so hopefully I get four hours in before therapy at 2 pm. I don’t want to show up too much of a zombie for my first session.

I don’t even know what the fuck I want to say in this post now. I suppose I am wondering how this whole therapy thing is going to begin, how it will start, will I like my therapist? Will a connection grow? Will I be able to trust her? So many questions, pointless questions, as I’ll be finding out soon enough. I am pretty anxious about it. Jesus I would love a smoke right about now, I gave them up about 2 months ago, been on the Niquitin patches for a while, down to the lowest strength. I have not touched a ciggy in over a month, but Jesus I would smoke the arsehole out of one now. It’s moments like these that really fucking test your resolve to quit. I feel like taking a bunch of the strongest patches and slapping them all across my forehead just to get that nicotine goodness to my brain as quickly as possible… But no, must resist, I am a non-smoker now, as much as it pains me to type that.

Max (Zee dog) Is sprawled out on the floor beside me. I tried nuzzling up to him on my bed but he got fed up with me pretty quickly, I think I am too warm for him so he’s trying to cool off on the floor. Nothing to do but count away the hours now, awash in the familiar glow of my monitor.

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Nothing else to say.

As none of you may have noticed, there is a huge gap in my posts. I would explain, dear non-existent readers, but what would be the point? I barely remember the last few years myself, so what could I divulge but a soggy mass of days glued together by fear and inaction. No, let us move forward, a new beginning, a fresh starting line. I launch today.

So I am going to start therapy. The woman I picked out of a rather short list of local psychotherapists had a little (Negotiable) sign beside her per hour price. This appealed to me for two reasons. The first and most obvious being that I am and probably always will be a poor saintly hobo, so getting her down in price will help me actually afford it on a weekly basis. The second reason, and I hope I am right in this, Is that her choice to make the price negotiable reflects a higher form of empathy than her fellow therapists. She wants her service to actually be available to the people that need it most, including us poor folk.

I’ll know by Tuesday, my first session starts at 2pm. I am quite scared, but I really need to stick with this, stick with something. I’ll have to break myself down and rebuild, a Keith better capable of dealing with this world, I have wasted enough time. It all hinges on my courage, which… Given my past history, does not exactly inspire me with the greatest of confidence, but I know there is a Lion inside of me somewhere, I need to get him out of hiding.

In other news, I am in love with a young woman I have never met, she’ll need an entire blog post of her own, such is her stranglehold upon my affections. Technically as of right now we’re not really supposed to be speaking at all. The final farewell was nice enough, the one before it not so much. Anyway, I am in love with her but I lack the courage to follow the path, for various reasons. We’ll get into those as the weeks progress.

So… Dear phantom audience, I am back. From this moment on, only the hard truth shall find its way onto these virtual pages, no more bullshit or delusion. We’re going deep.

Tata for now.