If you’re going to eradicate Catholicism, Ash Wednesday is the day to do it!


Now Hear me out…

On Wednesday Morning I was sitting in a cafe with my dad having some Lunch (Ballivor, County Meath, Small backwards town, inbreeding rampant) Vegetable Soup I think it was, quite delicious, but anyway… I remember looking across from our table and spotting this old lady sitting down at her table facing towards me… She seemed to be watching me a little too intently for my own particular level of comfort, but I noticed she had this dark spot at the centre of her forehead… Darkish brown, almost black. “The Poor woman” I thought to myself with a sympathetic half-smile in her direction “Having such a horrible growth right on the middle of your forehead, feel free to stare you poor freak of nature”.

So… I got back to “eating” my soup and thought no more of it until I looked up again only to find I was surrounded by old people sitting at tables with the very same mark upon their heads, all of whom stared at me at various points. A range of possibilities entered my mind before the obvious fell from the apple tree and enlightened me.

1. It was some sort of Outpatient meal deal thing for people who suffer from huge moley growths on their foreheads.

2. A secret Guild of Elderly Assassins had finally found me for some Heinous crime I had committed in the past under the influence of some sort of Narcotic/Alcohol and I was about to pay for it dearly (Although in hindsight, this was a ridiculous suspicion to have. Firstly.. A secret guild of Assassins would never wear such an obvious mark to identify themselves… And secondly, I could have easily mangled them all while still eating my soup and enjoying my delicious mocha)

3. I had stumbled into some sort of cult which demands complete conform/uniformity from its adherents and any “Outsider” was to be treated with suspicion at best and mild contempt at worst.

I almost wish it was option number two, that would have been exciting at least, hand to hand combat with elderly killers coming at me from all directions, I even pictured it at the moment, grabbing one of them and then using him as a sort of human club as I swung him around by the feet… Finally throwing him through the plate glass window at the back and onto the Street… Walking cane and dentures fracturing into thousands of little pieces along with the glass in sloooooooow motion… Far more interesting than the closer to the truth Option 3.

I think it’s mostly the older generation around here in these country parts, but it seemed to be a big deal that I didn’t have this ash smooshed into my fuckin forehead… What a loopy religion, I’m sorry to all Catholics out there, not for my opinion of your religion or anything, I’m just sorry you’re Catholic, a religion that needs to go the way of the Dodo bird, as a friend of mine pointed out, should we ever decide to eradicate Catholicism, Ash Wednesday is the day to do it, we would, after all… Have great big juicy bulls eyes to aim at on their foreheads.

Anyway, that’s what Ash Wednesday means to me, I wish I was back in school and I could hand that in to the teacher for my Essay of the same name, about what the holy day means to me, oh what joy it would be to watch the colour slowly run from her face… Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Mrs Walsh.

Stuck in work, high on coffee, writing Cheques for this weeks wages, I don’t feel comfortable with this stuff, I had to mark some guys wages down because he had missed two days to attend court, it doesn’t feel right to me, I’m too soft for this money making lark, I fucking hate money, which strangely makes people trust me with large amounts of it. Anyway…straying from the blogs original purpose, which was to Schelack the Catholic Religion, job done.

Toodles

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