Archive for November, 2007

Give the dog a bone.

“Heart, of what is it yer made?
It’s blood, and blood can be remade
I cut you, and looked into your veins
Blood, the blood is just the same as the mans
… Oh heart, please don’t get bitter”  -Simple Kid

I made a new friend, it’s not often I do…. It’s been a long time since I’ve made one that I’ve actually kept, I still have my Companeros, my Amigos, they know who they are… From the early years, I hope this will always be the case, I think it will, I have that feeling, I hope they know that I will back them to whatever diabolical end we must face, should the need ever arise, ask anything of me… but I digress… Back to my new friend.

She lives on the other side of the planet, Canada to be exact. You may at this point ask how you can possibly befriend someone who is just text to you on a screen, but believe me, you can get to know the real meat of someone when you take every other equation out of the Social book other than the communication one. She is very like me, it is kind of disturbing actually, I thought I was a one of a kind mutant for a while, so I’m both disturbed at my own loss of uniqueness but also strangely heartened by the fact that I’m not as isolated in my thinking as I thought I was, contradictions have been a consistent theme of late, this new friend is no different.

Keep in mind that when I describe aspects of this new friend, I am also describing aspects of myself, such is the uncanniness of the resemblance. She is a wounded creature, isolated in many ways… Partly her own doing, but also partly the fault of this too hard world crushing the goodness out of us all with it’s divisive cruel ways… Good souls struggle in this world, to live a kind life takes a lot of strength when the world around you rewards callousness and the betterment of yourself over your fellow man. The human heart can only take so much beating before it retreats, shrinks, hardens and ultimately protects itself by becoming the very thing that has abused it so savagely, I hope this doesn’t happen to my new friend, I would like to help prevent that in any way I could, I hope I have the strength to finally stand on my two legs and hold against the tide, I feel it rising… I live in hope

This next part will make sense only to one person, so for the rest of you, your confusion will mark you out… Feel free to skip.

The wild dog… separated from man..returns to its primitive state… Fearful of the hand it once enjoyed softly upon it’s brow, or in the case of many… The hand that cast it out into the wild… Like you said Jen, when confronted with man again the wild dog will stand aloof… Mistrusting the intentions yet longing for the affection that grows as it inches closer. Perhaps waging the bone and coaxing its attention is the wrong thing to do…What if you were to fall to your hands and knees… Looking the animal straight in the eyes without showing fear, as they sense these things… It might evoke a different reaction… Beat your fist into the ground and say without words, in a single look… That you are just like it and it is just like you and the only reward you can give is the company you also crave.

Just a thought, you have to throw these things out there.. Again… I’ve not gone Mad(der)… One of you at least will understand the above, that is good enough for me.

In other more shitty news, Hugh has been taken into hospital with a collapsed lung… Not good. I don’t know if he will ever have the strength to leave the hospital again. I hope so, as I feel I’ve not communicated myself to him in the way that I fully wanted to (Story of my fucking life) I don’t want him to leave this world without me understanding that core thought I know resides at the centre of his being, we’ve been dancing around each other in conversation, getting to know each other better, figuring each other out, though I suspect he’s far ahead in that game, cunning mind that he is. My brother Alan will also be out of hospital soon, hopefully back on his feet… I have only visited him once so far, but mainly because I know he doesn’t want me there now, seeing him in that way… Which is sort of a relief, because it is hard. No other major news. I’m going to Galway next week to see my Companeros for a day or two… Which I badly need, I must confess, it will be good to get together with the gang again… Laugh… Get fucked up and forget our troubles for a while.

Ciao for Now

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Listen to the thunder.

Al Swearengen: “God rest the souls of that poor family… and pussy’s half price for the next 15 minutes.”

Dear Blog

How the fuck are you?… It’s been a wee while, not to say that there hasn’t been events occurring that were not worth talking about..

Au contrair, mon ami… There have been some nice highs, as well as a single crushing blow which I shall not air in public, I
must internalize it, swallow that son of a bitch and let it rot away in some forgotten repressed cupboard in my mind where I
keep all the other dark and painful shit.

On a lighter note however… I am currently stoned and sitting atop a therapeutic pressure reduction cushion ( A Mouthful I know) I gotta get me one of these for back home (Currently with a sick relative). My ass feels like it’s floating on a cloud… Or a really large woman’s ass cheeks, either way… Win-win.

The relative in question is a cousin of mine, my fathers rather …so he’s a second cousin I suppose. He is a real-life Dharmabum, 64 years of age and spent over half of it travelling the world, lived it up as a big shot executive in the corporate world and lived as a Hobo on the streets of Canada, went into an asylum a mad man and came out of the darkness again to check himself out, and now just recently back from living in Egypt. Unfortunately he was diagnosed with Cancer of the Pancreas, which there is no remedy for… I never actually met the man until he came back here penniless, my father, who had not seen him for over 30 years..took him in straight away, got him a place in the Willie Birmingham Social housing just down the road from Kilmainham, not sure how long he has left, not long I’d imagine, given how the cancer has spread, but he sure is a fascinating character, he has a tiny frame, and sort of hunched now, but there is a fierceness to his eyes that belies his meek appearance, a strength of character that is vastly more substantial than your initial impressions. I’ve spent an increasing amount of time with him of late, visiting during certain days of the week and getting whatever he needs, I have to say I like it, even if a part of him resents having to rely on help at all… Which combined with the pain he sometimes gets, manifests itself in a crankiness that would put most people off talking to him, but he really is full of amazing stories, he’s brutally honest as well..which is a quality I treasure.

Which brings me to the point of telling you about him. I know in time I’m only going to get to know him better and get attached to him ( I form attachments easily, I remember when I was a kid I became disturbingly attached to a plastic bin in my room I called “Binny” that I would have conversations with) And in time I’ll eventually have to deal with his death, which is most likely weeks or months from now, it’s tough, knowing you are setting yourself up for a fall, especially when you can Hear the Thunder.

Some of you will get the reference, and to you brave beautiful few, I salute you.

I’ve been offline due to being cut off by that shower of bastards at Eircom, but I’m back online… Finally paid the bill.